Sidecarsally News

Shawn Johnson is a cute little 17-year-old Olympic gymnast from Iowa. According to Wikipedia, at the 2008 Summer Olympics, Shawn “won the silver medal in the individual all-around competition, receiving a score of 62.725.” She is also a contestant on the show Dancing With the Stars, paired up with Mark Ballas - some loser from Texas.

Johnson and Ballas.

Last month, a 34-year-old Floridian named Robert O’Ryan was arrested while trying to sneak onto the set where Dancing With the Stars was being filmed. Police found Robert in possession zip ties, duct tape, loaded guns, and love letters written to Shawn Johnson.

Robert is currently being held in jail on $220,000 bail. He has plead not guilty to two misdemeanor gun charges and a felony stalking charge. According to Robert, he isn’t guilty because he spoke to Shawn Johnson through telepathy and she agreed to have a baby with him.

Robert has yet to be tried and convicted for his crimes, but today a judge ruled that he has to keep away from Shawn Johnson for the next 3 years - even though he’s currently in jail and will most likely remain there. Prison bars can’t prevent telepathic thoughts from escaping though, so hopefully, Robert and Shawn can still communicate with each other.

Suppose for a minute that Robert O’Ryan really did talk to Shawn Johnson through telepathy. He could be one of the only people in the world capable of such a phenomenon. We not only cockblocked him, but now he’ll never teach us his secret powers.

This is bullshit. I want to learn how to speak to people with my mind. Robert, stop hogging all the psychic abilities!

It’s hard to find a picture of this man without some wood blocking his face, kind of like your mom.

Bonus fact: The last time Robert’s neighbor saw him in Florida, he was talking to a tree.

Terrible things are happening all over the world, but the most popular story on every major news site is about the Obamas’ new puppy. “Forty people were raped and murdered at a movie theater in Florida? Wow, that’s crazy, but not as crazy as the cute little Portuguese water dog the Obamas got!”

I actually came across an interesting story regarding all of this. Before the arrival of Bo, their new puppy, the Obamas repeatedly expressed the desire to adopt a puppy. So, is little Bo an adopted puppy, rescued from a tiny cage and scheduled extermination? Nope.

The Associated Press explains Bo’s origin:

“[The] 6-month-old [Portuguese water dog] was given up by his first owner and matched with the Obamas through his breeders. Because he was given up by his first owner as a poor fit and is now with his second owners, the Obamas, but never spent time in a shelter or with a rescue group, Bo is a ‘quasi-rescue dog,’ says Wayne Pacelle, chief executive of The Humane Society of the United States.”

So, the Obamas didn’t follow through with getting a real rescued pet. I’m OK with that, but a lot of people are shaking their head in disappointment.

Animal rights activist Jim Dwibble says, “Thousands of puppies are going to be murdered today. The Obamas had a chance to save one, but they had to get some fancy pants water Portuguese thing.”

Some people even feel regretful for voting for Obama. Jerry Cumhand from New York says, “If he can’t even keep his promise about a dog, how many other promises is he going to break?”

It’s just a dog, Jerry. I’d be more angry that your last name is Cumhand.

*** On April 6th, 2009, a global pillow fight commenced in various cities of the world. The following dialogue is a dramatization of the events that happened in Detroit, Michigan on Saturday, April 11th. ***

Douchebag 1: “Hey, let’s organize another giant pillow fight and send out Facebook invites! Think about how awesome it will be: Hundreds of people hitting each other with pillows in the middle of Detroit. It’s violent, but innocent and fun too.”

Douchebag 2: “Dude! I had that same retarded idea a couple weeks ago and I already set it up! It’s happening this Saturday. I think a bunch of people are gonna show up.”

Douchebag 1: “Is it B.Y.O.P?”

Douchebag 2: “Yeah, bring your own pillow. See you Saturday, douchebag.”

On Saturday, Aprill 11th, “a bunch” of people showed up to an organized pillow fight in central Detroit.

Detroit Police Department: “Not so fast, pillow fighters! Although we do not think this is a dangerous event, we are confiscating your pillows and canceling the event anyway. We just don’t want this city covered in feathers. Look at it. Man, look how shitty this place is. Now you want to come here and get into a fucking pillow fight downtown? Are you going to pick up every feather when you’re done? No.”

Pillow fighters: “But… we were just trying to have fun.”

Detroit Police Department: “Imagine how that group of homeless people standing over there would feel after seeing you destroy hundreds of pillows. They sleep on piles of dog shit wrapped in several grocery bags because it contours to the neck and head like memory foam. But still, it’s disgusting. You should all just go home and feel ashamed that you had nothing better to do today.”

Homeless man: “I smothered my ex-wife with a pillow, so technically, they can be deadly weapons too.”

Detroit Police Department: “You heard the crazy bastard. Pack it up, folks!”

Wall Street, New York. April 6th, 2009.

Over the past few months, Britney Spears had been regaining my respect. I never thought she would make a comeback after all her mental breakdowns and pussy shots on the internet. Despite her crotch looking like a pile smashed bubblegum with dirt on it, Britney got her act together and released a smash album and went on tour.

Then I heard the song “If You Seek Amy” on her new album. The worst song ever written, ever. Worse than “I Wanna Stand With You on a Mountain” by Savage Garden.

I wish I could travel back in time to before Britney Spears was born. I would go to Mississippi and make sure Britney’s parents never met. Then, I would have sex with Lynne Spears and end up being Britney’s father. Not for long though because, during her pregnancy, Lynne would “accidentally” fall down the stairs and lose the baby.

Love me, hate me
Say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are beggin’ to ‘If You Seek Amy’
Love me hate me
But can’t you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are beggin’ to ‘If You Seek Amy’

Get it? When you pronounce the words “if you seek Amy,” it sounds like you’re saying, “F-U-C-K me.” Ohh, the cleverosity is killing me!

Britney Spears has officially entered a whole new level of egotism. She’s not only claiming that all of the boys want to bang her, but also all of the girls! Well, I actually asked 15 random girls if they want to fuck Britney Spears. Five of them got really creeped out and didn’t answer me, but the other ten said, “No.”

Not that many of us want to have sex with you anymore, Brit.

Bonus: Last night, Britney played a show in Vancouver, Canada. She came onstage for a minute, smelled some marijuana smoke, and then ran off again. The following announcement was relayed to the crowd: “It’s become uncomfortable and unsafe for the performers, including Ms. Spears… The show will resume as soon as the air around the stage is clear.”

Britney returned to the stage shortly after the announcement, performed for 45 minutes, and then said her thank yous and goodbyes. The last words she shouted to the crowd were, “Drive safe. Don’t smoke weed! Rock out with your cocks out! Peace, motherfuckers!”

Good point, Britney. You don’t smoke weed, and you’re the perfect role model for young girls.

I’m not exactly a huge fan of the Harry Potter movies, but I am definitely a huge fan of marijuana. This next story joins the following three ‘M’ topics together: movies, magic, and marijuana.

19-year-old Jamie Waylett is much better known as Vincent Crabbe from the Harry Potter movies. His character has a reputation of being a real dick. I wouldn’t know because I haven’t seen the movies, but Hermione sure doesn’t look to happy to be in his company.

“Why is this fat fuck touching me?”

Outside of the Harry Potter world, Jamie Waylett is actually pretty awesome. He’s got a cute little personal website where he answers questions from his fans. Questions like, “Can you give me Daniel Radcliffe’s telephone number?”

Last week, Jamie was pulled over by police while cruising in his Audi. Police probably didn’t believe that Jamie was part of the Harry Potter cast, so they searched his car and uncovered 8 separate bags of marijuana. He was arrested on the spot.

The cops weren’t satisfied with charging Jamie for simple possession of a Class B narcotic, so they also searched his home. Yeah, they found more weed. Ten mature cannabis plants were found growing in a hidden closet in Jamie’s room.

If convicted, Jamie faces a long time in prison and unlimited fines, although his sentence would be drastically decreased if a plea is made. Imagine though, if he ended up going to prison. Fresh baby butter rolls for the raping. Poor kid.

IT’S JUST WEED!

Bonus: Jamie was pictured in a British tabloid, snorting coke when he 17-years-old.

From the looks of it, there will be no more Harold and Kumar movies. Actor Kal Penn, better known as Kumar, has accepted a new job as associate director in the White House Office of Public Liaison. No, seriously.

Kal also played Dr. Lawrence Kutner on the TV show House. The writers of House congratulated Kal on his new job by making his character commit suicide in the most recent episode. Fans of the show were shocked and deeply saddened by Dr. Kutner’s death, so FOX erected an e-memorial in his honor.

This is really bad news for Harold from the H & K duo. Could you imagine a movie based solely on his character? It would be called Harold’s Boring Adventure and the story would suck because Harold is too big of a pussy to do anything without Kumar.

Thanks a lot Kal Penn. Good luck at the White House, ya dick.

 I think this is a publicity stunt by the White House to get more people to visit the Office of Public Liaison.

Yesterday, thousands of North Americans shelled out $170 for the newest iteration of Nintendo’s handheld system - the Nintendo DSi. When the original Nintendo DS came out in November 2004, people ate ‘em up like ice cream sandwiches. However, since this is Nintendo’s third release of the same system, things are just getting ridiculous.

For awhile, I wanted a Nintendo DS almost as bad as a Sony PSP, but the DS was too bulky. Nintendo realized that things aren’t cool unless they’re small (unless it’s a penis or a gun), so they released the slightly-improved, and smaller, Nintendo DS Lite.

People weren’t happy with the DS Lite though. It wasn’t small enough.

“Alright, you fuckers,” responded Nintendo. “We’ll release another DS and make it so awesome and small that you’ll actually complain about how sweet it is.”

Enter the DSi.

“OMFG, I’ve never seen its equal.”

The new DSi boasts two 0.3 megapixel cameras, which produce pictures similar to the cell phone you had in 2001. It’s also slimmer than the DS Lite, has larger LCD screens, more RAM, and a faster processor.

Basically, imagine a normal piece of human feces. Now, take that turd and make it smaller. Nice, huh? It doesn’t hurt as bad coming out. Also increase the size of the undigested corn chunks and sesame seeds. Isn’t it so much nicer to look at? And finally, increase the speed of that turd so it shoots right out of your butthole.

See how much more fun things are when you make them smaller, faster, and more visually appealing?

Slightly off topic bonus: This was the image Google used on their front page story about the DSi launch. They have perpetuated the stereotype that sexy “gamer girls” are more rare than talking unicorns.

20th Century Fox is shitting themselves after someone “on the inside” leaked a nearly-completed workprint version of their fourth major X-Men film, X-Men Origins: Wolverine. A workprint is the first positive print of a film that editors use to make final changes. The FBI is investigating exactly how the workprint was leaked a month before it was slated to hit theaters.

There is a subculture of humans called “X-Men fan boys,” and they masturbate to illustrations of Rogue and Jean Grey. I’ll admit it, I’ve done it a time or two.

Damnnnn.

Half of the fan boys have downloaded the film (illegally), while the other half refuse to take part in such shenanigans. “The movie’s not even completed yet! There’s 14 minutes of missing footage and tons of unfinished special effects,” they say. “I’ll wait to see the finished movie.”

You go right ahead and do that.

I’ve seen the film. I didn’t download it (you hear that, FBI?), but I know a guy who knows a guy who downloaded it. Let me just say right now, X-Men Origins: Wolverine can eat my shit. Terrible fucking movie, unfinished or not.

In all fairness, the workprint really was quite unfinished. Most of the computer graphics looked like an N64 game on a black and white television, and Wolverine’s CG claws never seemed to be out when he was fighting. However, the entire storyline seemed intact and easy to follow, but that’s where the compliments end for this bucket of diarrhea.

The Characters

“Hey! I’m a mutant superhero. My abilities? Oh, I can jump slightly higher than the average man, but I’m awesome with a gun. Plus, I’m Asian. FAIL.

“I’m a sexy blonde mutant superhero. I look normal, but when the Asian guy above is shooting at me, my skin glows and turns diamond-hard… just like the vampires in Twilight!” Seriously? FAIL.

There’s an episode of Family Guy where the whole Griffin family had sweet super powers. Well, everyone except Meg. Her power was that her fingernails could grow two inches whenever she got angry. This is exactly the same special ability that Victor (Wolverine’s brother) has in X-Men Origins.

Deadpool was the worst character of all. He was originally the lamest superhero — Ryan Reynolds with two katanas. Later, he becomes crazy powerful and has several mutant powers, including the ability to teleport and shoot laser beams from his eyes.

Ryan, I like you… but no.

Deadpool doesn’t even appear until the last ten minutes of the film (and he also looks nothing like the comic books), so the entire movie basically goes like this: A bunch of shitty ill-inspired characters fight alongside Wolverine until there is a epic showdown against Deadpool, the fucking GOD of superheros, whom they kill way too easily.

If you have the ability to teleport, shoot laser beams from your eyes, and wield two katanas, you can’t be killed. I’m sorry, I don’t care how many superpeople are gangbanging you. TELEPORTATION. Fuckin’ use it.

Overall, I award this movie one turd out of five. I would give it two turds if someone can explain to me how Wolverine could be born in 1848 and then just stop aging in his late 30s and live forever.

Tomorrow is April 1st, 2009. Many people will be playing pranks on their friends, families, and co-workers, while something terrible is lurking in the shadows - a computer virus.

Apparently, millions of computers are infected with a sneaky little worm called “Conficker.” Wikipedia describes how it works:

“Upon infection, the worm saves a copy of its DLL form to a random filename in the Windows system folder, then arranges to load itself thereafter at boot as a system service with a randomly generated name. It’s effects will get worse and the virus will activate on April 1st (April Fools Day). It could be a hoax but you can never be too cautious.”

This is supposed to mean something.

This is serious, people. Have you ever had a computer virus? It sucks. Now imagine like, millions of computers going crazy at once. This is what is going to happen:

First thing, you’re probably going to get raped. When all of the sex addicts can’t look at their internet child porn, they’re going to take to the streets.

Next, all the people in the hospitals who are depending on computer technology to live will die. I know that is a terrible thing to say, but do you think the Conficker worm cares about poor little Lucy and her iron lung? Psh, no.

Actually, Lucy will be fine. Iron lungs are gas-powered.

Shortly after the hospital crisis, Ohio will burn completely to the ground and be even shittier than it already is.

Spiders will grow wings and fly.

These are only a few of the thousands of plagues to hit our planet tomorrow. Those of you that aren’t infected with the Conficker virus, you aren’t safe either. You’ll still be raped and bitten by flying spiders.

It’s 4am and there’s nothing good on TV. Oh wait, it’s a ShamWow commercial! Yessssss!

Man, I love ShamWows. If you don’t know what they are, then I feel sorry for you. I’ll bet you still use paper towels and napkins to clean up spills.

A ShamWow is basically a cross between a magical absorbant sponge and a towel. They last for years, and you can wash them with your normal laundry. I usually wash mine separately though because I clean up a lot of blood with my ShamWows.

Those of you already familiar with the product most likely know Vince Shlomi, the “ShamWow Guy.” This charming man is also the pitchman for the “Slap Chop” - a food-chopping device.

Last week, thesmokinggun.com reported that Vince Shlomi was arrested for Chris-Browning a prostitute in his hotel room in South Beach, Florida.

On February 7th, Vince met Sasha Harris, 26, at a nightclub in Miami. After some drinks, they went back to Vince’s hotel room, where Sasha offered to have sex with him for $1000.

Vince should have waited until after the sex to pay her.

Things got weird when Vince, 44, tried to kiss Sasha and she bit his tongue, but not in a playful way. When she wouldn’t let go of his tongue, Vince unleashed a fury of blows so brutal that Ike Turner actually cheered from his grave.

A bloody mess, Sasha ran out of the hotel room and notified the security guard, who called the police. Both Vince and Sasha were arrested for felony aggravated battery, and then taken to the hospital for treatment.

Vince did sustain some minor injuries to his mouth, but it is clear from the mugshots who lost the fight.

According to Vince, he only continued to punch Sasha until she let go of his tongue. However, judging from her injuries, it looks like Vince started from the back of the room with a flying fist aimed directly for her eye.

Out of everything, I am most surprised by the fact that police didn’t find any cocaine in Vince’s hotel room. I was positive.