Apr 03 2009
X-Men Origins: Wolverine leaked *yawn*
20th Century Fox is shitting themselves after someone “on the inside” leaked a nearly-completed workprint version of their fourth major X-Men film, X-Men Origins: Wolverine. A workprint is the first positive print of a film that editors use to make final changes. The FBI is investigating exactly how the workprint was leaked a month before it was slated to hit theaters.
There is a subculture of humans called “X-Men fan boys,” and they masturbate to illustrations of Rogue and Jean Grey. I’ll admit it, I’ve done it a time or two.
Damnnnn.
Half of the fan boys have downloaded the film (illegally), while the other half refuse to take part in such shenanigans. “The movie’s not even completed yet! There’s 14 minutes of missing footage and tons of unfinished special effects,” they say. “I’ll wait to see the finished movie.”
You go right ahead and do that.
I’ve seen the film. I didn’t download it (you hear that, FBI?), but I know a guy who knows a guy who downloaded it. Let me just say right now, X-Men Origins: Wolverine can eat my shit. Terrible fucking movie, unfinished or not.
In all fairness, the workprint really was quite unfinished. Most of the computer graphics looked like an N64 game on a black and white television, and Wolverine’s CG claws never seemed to be out when he was fighting. However, the entire storyline seemed intact and easy to follow, but that’s where the compliments end for this bucket of diarrhea.
The Characters
“Hey! I’m a mutant superhero. My abilities? Oh, I can jump slightly higher than the average man, but I’m awesome with a gun. Plus, I’m Asian. FAIL.
“I’m a sexy blonde mutant superhero. I look normal, but when the Asian guy above is shooting at me, my skin glows and turns diamond-hard… just like the vampires in Twilight!” Seriously? FAIL.
There’s an episode of Family Guy where the whole Griffin family had sweet super powers. Well, everyone except Meg. Her power was that her fingernails could grow two inches whenever she got angry. This is exactly the same special ability that Victor (Wolverine’s brother) has in X-Men Origins.
Deadpool was the worst character of all. He was originally the lamest superhero — Ryan Reynolds with two katanas. Later, he becomes crazy powerful and has several mutant powers, including the ability to teleport and shoot laser beams from his eyes.
Ryan, I like you… but no.
Deadpool doesn’t even appear until the last ten minutes of the film (and he also looks nothing like the comic books), so the entire movie basically goes like this: A bunch of shitty ill-inspired characters fight alongside Wolverine until there is a epic showdown against Deadpool, the fucking GOD of superheros, whom they kill way too easily.
If you have the ability to teleport, shoot laser beams from your eyes, and wield two katanas, you can’t be killed. I’m sorry, I don’t care how many superpeople are gangbanging you. TELEPORTATION. Fuckin’ use it.
Overall, I award this movie one turd out of five. I would give it two turds if someone can explain to me how Wolverine could be born in 1848 and then just stop aging in his late 30s and live forever.
deadpool looks almost as gay as tobey maguire in spiderman
X-man is the worse super hero movie ever.
Actually if you watch the movie and stay until past the credits, Deadpool is still alive.