Sidecarsally News

Florida makes everything better. Take your average domestic disturbance, add a little Florida, and you’ve got Sidecarsally headlines!

Thursday night, 21-year-old Edd Johnson was watching television at his home in Stuart, Florida. He lives with his 26-year-old girlfriend (we’ll call her Yolanda) and their two kids.

Yolanda came into the room and exclaimed that she wanted to watch TV. There was another working TV in the other room, but Yolanda wanted to use the one Edd was watching.

An argument ensued, and then things got all Florida-y.

Edd kicked and smashed the television because if he can’t watch it, nobody can. But this only made Yolanda angry. She grabbed a pair of scissors and tried to cut the cord on the other tube. Edd intervened by ripping her bra off.

At the peak of the argument, Yolanda - who is also pregnant with the couple’s third child - called her sister and the conversation went like this:

Yolanda: “Call the police! Eddie’s attackin’ me!”
Sister: “Alright, I will, but you know I’m short on minutes… why didn’t you just call the police instead of calling me?”
Yolanda: “Cuz I’m from Florida. Gotta go now. Gettin’ my bra ripped off.”

After the phone call, Yolanda gathered her two kids and ran out of the house to the car. Edd was hot on her heels with an open can of chili. He opened the car door and dumped the chili all over Yolanda and the kids.

Police arrived and promptly arrested Edd at the scene for aggravated battery, which is also a violation of his probation.

One time I fought over the television with my brother. I wanted to watch “The Little Mermaid,” but he wanted “Beauty and the Beast,” so I ripped his diaper off and then dumped baby food all over him. This is pretty much the exact same scenario, except I was in first grade.

Bonus (true) fact: When Edd was arrested and taken to jail, police said he shouted, “I shoulda whooped her ass,” in reference to his pregnant girlfriend.

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