Sidecarsally News

Tomorrow is April 1st, 2009. Many people will be playing pranks on their friends, families, and co-workers, while something terrible is lurking in the shadows - a computer virus.

Apparently, millions of computers are infected with a sneaky little worm called “Conficker.” Wikipedia describes how it works:

“Upon infection, the worm saves a copy of its DLL form to a random filename in the Windows system folder, then arranges to load itself thereafter at boot as a system service with a randomly generated name. It’s effects will get worse and the virus will activate on April 1st (April Fools Day). It could be a hoax but you can never be too cautious.”

This is supposed to mean something.

This is serious, people. Have you ever had a computer virus? It sucks. Now imagine like, millions of computers going crazy at once. This is what is going to happen:

First thing, you’re probably going to get raped. When all of the sex addicts can’t look at their internet child porn, they’re going to take to the streets.

Next, all the people in the hospitals who are depending on computer technology to live will die. I know that is a terrible thing to say, but do you think the Conficker worm cares about poor little Lucy and her iron lung? Psh, no.

Actually, Lucy will be fine. Iron lungs are gas-powered.

Shortly after the hospital crisis, Ohio will burn completely to the ground and be even shittier than it already is.

Spiders will grow wings and fly.

These are only a few of the thousands of plagues to hit our planet tomorrow. Those of you that aren’t infected with the Conficker virus, you aren’t safe either. You’ll still be raped and bitten by flying spiders.

It’s 4am and there’s nothing good on TV. Oh wait, it’s a ShamWow commercial! Yessssss!

Man, I love ShamWows. If you don’t know what they are, then I feel sorry for you. I’ll bet you still use paper towels and napkins to clean up spills.

A ShamWow is basically a cross between a magical absorbant sponge and a towel. They last for years, and you can wash them with your normal laundry. I usually wash mine separately though because I clean up a lot of blood with my ShamWows.

Those of you already familiar with the product most likely know Vince Shlomi, the “ShamWow Guy.” This charming man is also the pitchman for the “Slap Chop” - a food-chopping device.

Last week, thesmokinggun.com reported that Vince Shlomi was arrested for Chris-Browning a prostitute in his hotel room in South Beach, Florida.

On February 7th, Vince met Sasha Harris, 26, at a nightclub in Miami. After some drinks, they went back to Vince’s hotel room, where Sasha offered to have sex with him for $1000.

Vince should have waited until after the sex to pay her.

Things got weird when Vince, 44, tried to kiss Sasha and she bit his tongue, but not in a playful way. When she wouldn’t let go of his tongue, Vince unleashed a fury of blows so brutal that Ike Turner actually cheered from his grave.

A bloody mess, Sasha ran out of the hotel room and notified the security guard, who called the police. Both Vince and Sasha were arrested for felony aggravated battery, and then taken to the hospital for treatment.

Vince did sustain some minor injuries to his mouth, but it is clear from the mugshots who lost the fight.

According to Vince, he only continued to punch Sasha until she let go of his tongue. However, judging from her injuries, it looks like Vince started from the back of the room with a flying fist aimed directly for her eye.

Out of everything, I am most surprised by the fact that police didn’t find any cocaine in Vince’s hotel room. I was positive.

Florida makes everything better. Take your average domestic disturbance, add a little Florida, and you’ve got Sidecarsally headlines!

Thursday night, 21-year-old Edd Johnson was watching television at his home in Stuart, Florida. He lives with his 26-year-old girlfriend (we’ll call her Yolanda) and their two kids.

Yolanda came into the room and exclaimed that she wanted to watch TV. There was another working TV in the other room, but Yolanda wanted to use the one Edd was watching.

An argument ensued, and then things got all Florida-y.

Edd kicked and smashed the television because if he can’t watch it, nobody can. But this only made Yolanda angry. She grabbed a pair of scissors and tried to cut the cord on the other tube. Edd intervened by ripping her bra off.

At the peak of the argument, Yolanda - who is also pregnant with the couple’s third child - called her sister and the conversation went like this:

Yolanda: “Call the police! Eddie’s attackin’ me!”
Sister: “Alright, I will, but you know I’m short on minutes… why didn’t you just call the police instead of calling me?”
Yolanda: “Cuz I’m from Florida. Gotta go now. Gettin’ my bra ripped off.”

After the phone call, Yolanda gathered her two kids and ran out of the house to the car. Edd was hot on her heels with an open can of chili. He opened the car door and dumped the chili all over Yolanda and the kids.

Police arrived and promptly arrested Edd at the scene for aggravated battery, which is also a violation of his probation.

One time I fought over the television with my brother. I wanted to watch “The Little Mermaid,” but he wanted “Beauty and the Beast,” so I ripped his diaper off and then dumped baby food all over him. This is pretty much the exact same scenario, except I was in first grade.

Bonus (true) fact: When Edd was arrested and taken to jail, police said he shouted, “I shoulda whooped her ass,” in reference to his pregnant girlfriend.

There’s a million creative ways for a high school senior to play hooky during their final days at school. Out of all the ways to skip class, suicide is the least smart, followed closely by a bomb threat.

Corona del Sol High School in Tempe, Arizona was closed last Friday after administrators found a threatening letter claiming that a bomb was going to destroy the school. They knew it was serious because the letter began with, “To whomever it may fucking concern:”

Administrators were deciding whether or not to handle the note as a serious threat, and then they received a call from Laurin Godson. She was a senior at the school, and claimed that a man was forcing her to call the school and report the bomb.

School was canceled the next day and police began an investigation which led them not to Laurin’s kidnapper, but to Laurin herself - she made the whole thing up. She was arrested yesterday morning at school and spilled the beans about her bogus plot. Her friend Lauren Tamburrelli was also arrested for “helping out.” One held the pencil while the other moved the paper around to form letters and words.

I was shocked to see that these two little yummy-nummies are responsible for such a terrible scheme, but also shocked that neither one of them are the depressed emo-types or gothy outcasts that usually make bomb threats. This is most likely due to the fact that these girls are just really dumb, rather than mentally unstable.

Both girls are facing expulsion and charges of “hoax threats, interfering with an educational institution, threat and intimidation, and false reporting,” according to police.

Bonus Fact: Lauren Tamburrelli has five Myspace pages. The most recent of which is private. Two of the profiles are named “Seabass,” which was a character’s name in the movie Dumb and Dumber. How appropriate.

Most of you probably think I don’t have any siblings; That I was an abandoned baby, found by a garbage man in a storm drain, screaming and still holding my umbilical cord. Well, you’re right, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have siblings that were abandoned too. I actually have four brothers, and today is my youngest brother’s birthday. This post will be a collection of apologies and random memories we have together.

Happy birthday, little guy. I was only 3 1/2-years-old when you were born, but I remember Dad announcing the new addition to the family. Even though you were over 2 months premature and smaller than nice-sized turd, that didn’t stop you from growing up and hitting puberty before me. I only had small tufts of hair around my nipples until I turned 18, then the rest grew in.

Never once were you a shitty brother to me. I still have the “Cabin Boy” DVD you bought me for my birthday, even though I don’t recall ever getting you a gift for yours.

I’m sorry that I used to trick you into trading your quarters for my pennies when we were little. You thought that copper was worth more.

When you were 5-years-old, I urinated into your garbage can while you were sleeping. I was sleepwalking and thought I was in the bathroom until Mom woke me up. Either way, I’m sorry about that too.

When we both young, you convinced the babysitter that there was a burglar in the house. We all ran to the neighbor’s, screaming our faces off, and called the police. It was actually just the cat making noises in the basement. That same babysitter was also watching us when our house caught on fire. “Bad-Luck” Amy, we called her.

Remember when we were wrestling and I put you in a headlock, then your neck cracked and you pretended it was broken? I thought I paralyzed you and it scared the shit out of me, but you were fine. That was mean, but I forgive you.

My most fond memory of you is when Mom came home and caught you smoking Cat Nip rolled in construction paper. When she found out it wasn’t weed, she asked if it got you stoned anyway and you said, “No, but I have the munchies.” You were in 7th grade.

I’m sorry for slapping or punching you every time you beat me at a video game. I should have just unplugged your controller at a critical moment and settled for a cheap win.

You probably don’t know this, but I almost killed you 15 years ago. We were outside, throwing rocks into a giant pile of dirt. I picked up a huge frisbee-shaped rock, spun around until I was dizzy, then launched it directly at your head - on complete accident. I swear to God, it was an inch from your head when you suddenly bent over to pick something up. The rock whizzed right over your head, and had you been hit by it, you probably would have died. I consider this to be the one miracle in my life.

So happy birthday, Daryl! I miss you, and next time we hang out, I’m going to make up for all the mean older brother things I ever did to you. Even though nothing was worse than when you picked your butt and wiped it across my teeth while I was sleeping. Not cool, dude.

Before serial killers start murdering people, they often practice on animals first. Jeffrey Dahmer did it. Those three crazy Ukranian hammer-wielding nutjobs did it. Even Michael Myers used to torture animals, and he’s not even a real person, but if he was, he’d definitely kill cats.

There’s most likely a serial killer lurking in the suburbs of Toronto. Yesterday, six dogs were admitted to the clinic after eating poisonous cupcakes at park in Port Perry.

Police were called to the scene after a few dog owners became suspicious of their excessively vomiting and shitting dogs. A jogger at the park recalls the incident:

“I was jogging around the corner and noticed this large area of the path just covered in dog puke and feces. One dog was howling and doing cartwheels with diarrhea squirting in every direction,” Larry Goldwater said. “I felt bad because I knew something was wrong, but it was also really fascinating to watch.”

It turns out, someone had soaked a cupcake-filled bread bag in some antifreeze. If Superman was a dog, antifreeze and chocolate would be his Kryptonite.

“I can has some antifreeze?”

I know a lot of you are thinking, “What kind of a sicko gets pleasure from poisoning a bunch of dogs?”

I already told you, future serial killers.

The real question is who lets their dog eat mushy green cupcakes out of a mushy green bag that smells like antifreeze? I hope these people don’t have children.

For some reason, women think it’s OK to say things like, “If you ever cheat on me, I’ll bite your dick off,” to their boyfriends.

A less insane thing to say is, “If you ever cheat on me, I’ll break up with you.” That makes more sense, right?

There are, however, women in this world that really do think it’s OK to punish a cheating man by doing the most unspeakable things to him. This story is about one of them.

Katya Kharitovonova and her husband Mikhail, 40, invited Liza Dmitriyeva over to their house for dinner and a movie. Liza was Katya’s best friend, and they had known each other for a long time.

Because Russians love terrible American action movies, the trio sat on the couch to watch War of the Worlds after dinner.

During the movie, Katya fell asleep. When she woke up, Mikhail was still in the same place next to her, but Liza was performing oral sex on him. How dare they?

Enraged, Katya smashed a lamp over Liza’s head and then turned on Mikhail. He watched helplessly as she snatched his boner between her teeth and clamped down like a wild animal - and then she ripped it off.

The severed member dangled from her lips for a moment, until she realized, “Maybe I overreacted,” so she called an ambulance while Mikhail lay unconscious on the floor next to his penis.

Doctors were able to reattach Mikhail’s privates, but Katya was sentenced to two years in prison, where she will have nothing to do except write letters to her American pen pal - a woman by the name of “L. Bobbitt.”

Today is Science Day at Sidecarsally. Spiders will be our topic.

This morning, I came across the same story about a spider in Oklahoma on several news websites. The deadliest spider in the world was found at a Whole Foods* grocery store in Tulsa - thousands of miles from it’s home in the jungles of South America.

* Whole Foods is an organic market where people who are “too good to eat normal food” buy their groceries. You know, those health-conscious people that care about their bodies and the environment, but they act like snobs to other humans.

The arachnid, a Brazilian Wandering Spider, was found in a shipment of Honduran bananas. This particular 8-legged son of a bitch is very aggressive and has a bite powerful enough to kill a human in 25 minutes. Normally, they’re found in Brazil, so you could imagine how depressed it was to end up in Oklahoma.

Exotic animal species are commonly discovered on imported shipments from around the world. Upon arrival, they can escape and thrive in their new environment, causing much damage to other native species.

I would like to believe that the spider was captured and destroyed, but this took place at Whole Foods, so a hippie vegan shopper probably found it:

“I was shopping for some wheatgrass,” explains the shopper, “and then I see this thing coming at me. I’m a PETA member, so I didn’t want to kill it. Instead, I trapped it between a box of quinoa pasta and soy milk. Later, all the customers in the store held a ceremony with music and flowers - and then we released it back into the wild. We didn’t know it was deadly at the time, but that’s nature, man.”

Bonus fact from Wikipedia: “Aside from causing intense pain, the venom of the Brazilian Wandering Spider can also cause priapism - uncomfortable erections that can last for many hours and lead to impotence. The venom may eventually be used in erectile dysfunction treatments.”

Score.

The Apple iPhone and iPod Touch have some truly innovative applications. I downloaded the “PopeLocator” app the other day, and now I get constant updates as to where the Pope is!

Yesterday, I was notified that the Pope arrived in the African country Cameroon to begin his one-week tour of the continent.

African countries south of the Sahara account for two-thirds of the world’s population living with AIDS. What these people need is a visit from the Pope, right? Wrong.

Catholicism has been on the rise in Africa since the 1970’s, and a lot of Africans consider the Pope their ultimate source of wisdom. This is what he had to say to his Cameroonian followers on Wednesday:

“HIV/AIDS is a tragedy that cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which can even increase the problem.“

Condoms increasing the AIDS problem? Africa, PLEASE DO NOT BELIEVE THIS. That statement alone is probably going to be responsible for 10,000 new cases of AIDS.

It must be nice to be able to stand in front of millions of people and give them advice that is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of helpful, and then still be loved for it. Viva la Pope!

A recent study has shown that, with the exception of Luxembourg, Ireland’s citizens consume more alcohol than any other country in the world. However, since Luxembourg doesn’t generally celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, it’s safe to assume that Ireland consumed more alcohol yesterday than every other country in the world combined.

I held off on writing a story about St. Patrick’s Day until today because Ireland celebrates it for an entire week. I wanted to let our Irish friends finish partying because I knew this year was going to be a hoot.

Hanson McNeil was actually the least wasted of his friends.

Since the Irish drink so much already, you’d assume that they would be able to control themselves during yesterday’s celebration, but that was not the case. The land of magical leprechauns is still recovering today after what police are calling “the worst St. Patty’s celebration ever.”

A horde of inebriated university students poured into the streets of Dublin, leaving a wake of destruction in their path. Dozens of cars were smashed and set on fire, several stabbings were reported, and even the Dublin Fire Brigade were assaulted as they tried to extinguish burning cars.

Since Friday, over 400 people have been arrested for drunken or dangerous driving. There were also eight fatal crashes in the last week, as opposed to three at this time last year.

Riot police bravely stood their ground until the mob reluctantly dispersed back to their homes. The damage and arrest records are still being tallied, but everyone is glad the violence is over.

“That was fuckin’ insane! I need another beer,” says Colin O’Lafferty.

In America, if more than five people get out of hand, the cops just taser them and release tear gas in the general area, regardless of any nearby children.

None of this would have ever happened if the holiday was called St. POTrick’s Day and everyone just smoked weed all day.