Sidecarsally News

This next story is about fishing. If you don’t like fishing, it’s probably because you suck at it. If you ever went fishing with me, I guarantee you’d love it even though I’d definitely catch way more fish than you.

Last Saturday over 2,500 people showed up to take part in an ice fishing tournament on Bass Lake in Somerset, Wisconsin - not to be confused with Bass Lake, California. A brand new Dodge pickup truck would be awarded to the lucky son of a bitch that caught the largest fish.

At the end of the day, it was Lee Shehow who claimed victory with a Northern Pike that weighed in at 2.42 pounds. TV cameras were rolling as the prize announcer asked what he was going to do with the truck. I would’ve answered, “What kind of a stupid question is that? I’m going to drive it,” but Lee’s response was way better: “I’m gonna drive it like it’s stolen!”

Lee Shehow, the big winner.

As it turns out, maybe Lee did steal it. The next day, certain spectators and participators in the tournament began accusing Lee of cheating. Allegations quickly arose that Lee had raised the winning fish in an aquarium, and then smuggled the fish into the tournament by hiding it under his coat. Once on the frozen lake, he kept the fish alive with bottled water.

Tournament officials offered Lee the chance to keep the truck if he could pass a lie detector test, but he declined because it was too much of a hassle and bad publicity for the youth association that funded the event. Many people see this as a sign of lying, but I see it as pacifism.

Since he didn’t comply with the officials’ requests, Lee’s truck was taken away and given to runner-up Monica Slimmer, who’s fish only weighed 1.72 pounds, but she can shoot laser beams from her eyes.

“I’m so excited to win that truck! Brrrzp! Brrzzeeew!”

Although Lee never defended his honor, I will. Let’s look at a few facts:

1) Northern Pike are extremely rambunctious fish. It seems unlikely that a person could smuggle a living one under their coat without it flopping all over the place, and possibly biting and latching onto a nipple. If Lee was able to muster the upper body strength to subdue the fish long enough for nobody to notice, then he deserves the truck.

2) Why would Lee possibly think that a 2.42-pound fish would be the grand prize winner of the day, especially when people frequently catch much larger fish on Bass Lake?

3) If Lee really did raise a wild fish species in captivity, then was able to transport the fish under his jacket without killing it onto a frozen lake where a tournament was taking place, and then proceeded to keep it alive with bottled water and fool everyone, he deserves that truck more than a girl who caught the 2nd biggest fish.

1.72 pounds is pathetic for a Northern Pike. If that was really the biggest fish caught out of 2,500 competitors, then these people should all pile in the back of that prize pickup and drive it over a cliff.

Some of you don’t know what a Northern Pike is, so you might think a 2-pound winner is acceptable. Well, it isn’t. Below is a picture of a Northern Pike that I may or may not have caught. Either way, this is what a prize-winning fish looks like:

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