Sidecarsally News

I don’t usually write about the same thing twice in a row, but I haven’t been able to sleep lately because I can’t stop thinking about killer chimpanzees. Maybe writing another story about a brutal chimpanzee attack will ease my mind.

Nearly three years ago, St. James Davis and his wife LaDonna were visiting their pet chimp, Moe, on his 39th birthday. Moe lived with the Davises for many years, but after biting off two different peoples’ fingers “on accident,” he was condemned to the Animal Haven sanctuary in California. The Davises still loved him and they visited him often.

Moe, peering through the bars of his luxurious home.

As the happily-married couple approached Moe, he hooted and clapped in anticipation. Little did they know that two other male chimpanzees had escaped their cages and were waiting nearby - waiting to attack.

One of the chimps, jealous of the attention Moe was receiving, attacked LaDonna Davis first - biting the thumb off one of her hands. St. James pushed her out of the way and diverted the raging primate’s attention towards himself as the second chimp began attacking him too.

For five minutes, St. James was helplessly violated by the two chimpanzees while Moe watched from his cage - amused, no doubt. Finally, LaDonna’s screams attracted Mark Carruthers, who raced to the scene and ended the attack with a few well-placed gunshots.

St. James suffered horrendous injuries. His nose was bitten completely off, right eye gouged out, genitals removed, fingers and lips chewed off, left foot mangled, and a large amount of meat was torn from his buttocks. It took him several months to recover, but he was back visiting Moe as soon as he was physically able to.

St. James claims he despises the nickname “Noseless Joe.”

Following the attack, all was quiet until July 2008, when the Davises received a call from Animal Haven. Moe had discovered his monkey strength and escaped his “state-of-the-art” enclosure by breaking through a steel-welded door. It was believed that he was hiding in the San Bernardino National Forest nearby.

That was over seven months ago and Moe is still missing.

I know I have a lot of readers in California, especially the LA-area. Please, be careful. The San Bernardino National Forest is only about 50 miles away from Los Angeles. I visited California back in October, and had I known there was a missing chimpanzee somewhere nearby, I would not have gone there.

Some of you are probably reading this and thinking, “Oh, come on. You’re overreacting. I’m not going to get attacked by a chimpanzee lol.”

You keep thinking that. Just promise me one thing: When you do get attacked, make sure I get some graphic photos of your injuries so I can write about it. Until then, keep an eye on those treetops and don’t feed anything that looks like a small retarded human covered in brown fur.

Edit: A religious person may argue that it is actually a curse to name your child “St. Something,” if they are not a legitimate Saint. Perhaps if his name was simply James Davis, God would not have felt the need to smite him with crazy apes.

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