Sidecarsally News

I didn’t know this until today, but Jessica Simpson is now a country music artist. I kind of stopped following her career after I realized she’d never be in Playboy. After finding a recent picture of her, it appears that she has not only abandoned pop music, but her personal trainer as well!

It seems that the public is split 50/50 on whether or not Jessica’s recent look is healthy or fat. Both answers can be true, depending on how you look at it. For example, compared to most Americans, Jessica is by no means fat. She’s just got gigantic funbags and thick, curvy thighs. And her face is a little fatter now. Oh, and her stomach too. Hmm, even her hair seems fatter now - like the actual strands of hair have gained weight.

Shit man, you see what I’m talking about? I’m thinking that maybe she is fat now. This is the Jessica Simpson that I remember masturb- I mean, thinking about:

Spank-a-licious.

Come back, Jessica. We miss your sweet bronze skin and tiny waist. And your milk mustache in that one magazine ad that I cut a hole in. But when you come back, take the stairs instead of the elevator.

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