Sidecarsally News

My last story was pretty horrible and depressing, but today’s story might just change your life forever - but only if you play the cello. If you don’t play the cello, you’re an ass.

Back in 1974, Elaine Murphy - a Professor of Psychiatry - wrote a letter to the British Medical Journal saying that male cellists often suffered from a condition known as “cello scrotum.” According to Elaine, cello scrotum affects male cellists whose testicles become irritated by the constant rubbing of a cello against their ballsack.

Elaine’s claim seemed legit enough to the BMJ, so they published her findings.

The most frightening health concerns are the ones that affect the genitals. Similar in nature to the other musical ailment “guitar nipple,” cello scrotum was no laughing matter. Well, until this week when Elaine Murphy admitted that cello scrotum is a hoax that she created as a joke.

Well, I’m here to say that it’s not funny to invent ball diseases. Imagine if a doctor told Lance Armstrong that he didn’t have testicular cancer - it was just “bicycle seat scrotum-smashing disease.” He would either be dead, or still have two gigantic cancerous-tumor balls preventing him from out-pedaling the competition.

Next I’m gonna find out that my terrible case of guitar nipple is also a joke, right? According to Reuter’s:

“Murphy also said she suspected “guitar nipple” had been a joke.”

Son of a bitch. My entire life has been a lie.

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