Sidecarsally News

In June 2008, I wrote an article about how boring Mars is. NASA landed a research robot on the red planet in hopes to learn more about it. What they found was a cold desert with nothing interesting to offer. That is, until now.

Welcome to Arizona, errr, Mars.

Scientists studying Mars with telescopes recently announced that they have found traces of methane gas on the planet. Our dreams of alien existence may possibly be a reality!

Unless you’re an idiot, you know that 90% of Earth’s methane gas is produced when cows fart, or during the breakdown of long-dead organisms deep underground. The other 10% is created during chemical reactions between water and certain rocks. I’ve known this since before I was born.

The source of Mars’ methane is currently unknown, but there’s either some kind of organic matter, geological activity, or space cows.

Probably not.

Once again, much more information is needed to draw any conclusions, but I think this is what we’ve all been waiting for. Somewhere, deep under Mars’ surface, there are decomposing organisms waiting to be resurrected so they can re-animate and destroy Earth.

I’m founding the Alien Labor Force (ALF) for peace negotiations between us and Mars. Upon the Earth’s invasion, I will act as our ambassador. Every member of the ALF will surrender to the Martians and be enrolled in slave labor in exchange for their lives.

If you choose to fight the Martians, you will be crushed by their superior technology and subjected to horrific experiments. Anal probes will be welcomed by you after your organs are dissected and replaced with animal parts.

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