Sidecarsally News

If you heard a tiny scream on Monday, as if a person’s soul was being ripped out and dragged into the eternal pits of damnation, don’t worry, it was just another wealthy businessman dying.

German billionaire Adolf Merckle committed suicide yesterday by jumping in front of a train in Germany. His body was so badly mangled that a DNA test was needed to confirm his identity. This kind of reminds me of that one movie with Billy Crystal and Danny Devito - “Throw Momma From the Train.”

Haha, I love this movie.

74-year-old Adolf became suicidal after having a financially depressing year. He helplessly watched as his $12.8 billion assets swiftly dwindled to a pathetic $9.4 billion in the last two years. “I’m a total failure,” he thought. “I’m not even worth ten billion dollars anymore. I’d rather die than live like a penniless arschgesicht!“

RIP: Adolf Merckle

I just don’t understand rich people. When you have that much money, you should be able to escape all of your problems and live the rest of your life on a yacht, eating the finest caviar and drinking precious baby snow leopard tears. Every tear costs 8 million dollars.

Nearly 100% of my stress and anxiety comes from not having any money (or a job). But still, I don’t get so depressed that I want to kill myself. Sure, I think about it, but mainly just to imagine what the best way to do it would be - not because I actually want to.

I’m about two days away from whoring myself to pay bills. I know that sounds awesome, but it’s not. There are no attractive women looking to pay for Sidecarsally’s sex. Nope, instead I get the 70-year-old transvestite woman who’s idea of foreplay is setting her tits on fire.

“These flapjacks are ready for flippin’!”

Cheer up, ya big babies. Things are only going to get worse for most of us.

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