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Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you are all in good spirits and excited to see your estranged families again. Let us not forget the true meaning of this holiday - getting gifts. It’s all about expecting that PS3 and then hating your parents when they get you a Wii.

I’ve been doing a little research on the origin of Santa Claus and I came across a rather interesting theory. While there are countless different versions of Santa’s story, we can all agree that he’s a jolly fat shit in a red and white coat. And he likes to trespass into your home on Christmas Eve and leave gifts under the tree. Unless you’re Jewish.

All of us know that Santa isn’t a real person, but how did his iconic face and unique legend come to be accepted by millions of people throughout Western culture? Could it all possibly be drug-related?

I’m going to summarize an article written by Dana Larson in a 2003 issue of Cannabis Culture magazine.

“Although most people see Christmas as a Christian holiday, most of the symbols and icons we associate with Christmas celebrations are actually derived from the shamanistic traditions of the tribal peoples of pre-Christian Northern Europe.”

Basically, tribes of Santa-like people lived in the frozen North before Jesus was born. They also liked to trip-out on mushrooms.

“The sacred mushroom of these people was the red and white amanita muscaria mushroom…they contain potent hallucinogenic compounds. The amanita muscaria mushrooms grow only under certain types of trees, mostly firs and evergreens.

Most of the major elements of the modern Christmas celebration, such as Santa Claus, Christmas trees, magical reindeer and the giving of gifts, are originally based upon the traditions surrounding the harvest and consumption of these most sacred mushrooms.

Reindeer were the sacred animals of these semi-nomadic people, as the reindeer provided food, shelter, clothing and other necessities. Reindeer are also fond of eating the amanita mushrooms; they will seek them out, then prance about while under their influence. Often the urine of tripped-out reindeer would be consumed for its psychedelic effects.

The effects of the amanita mushroom usually include sensations of size distortion and flying. The feeling of flying could account for the legends of flying reindeer.”

Imagine a field full of fucked-up reindeer, tripping out on shrooms - running around and laughing like idiots. The tribes would probably watch the reindeer dancing around, and then get hungry and kill one. Then, they would remove the reindeer’s bladder and drink the piss. Minutes later, they were frolicking in the snow.

Still not convinced that all this could be true?

“One of the side effects of eating amanita mushrooms is that the skin and facial features take on a flushed, ruddy glow. This is why Santa is always shown with glowing red cheeks and nose. Even Santa’s jolly ‘Ho, ho, ho!’ is the euphoric laugh of one who has indulged in the magic fungus.

Santa also dresses like a mushroom gatherer. When it was time to go out and harvest the magical mushrooms, the ancient shamans would dress much like Santa, wearing red and white fur-trimmed coats and long black boots.

These peoples lived in dwellings called ‘yurts.’ The yurt’s central smokehole is often also used as an entrance. After gathering the mushrooms from under the sacred trees where they appeared, the shamans would fill their sacks and return home. Climbing down the chimney-entrances, they would share out the mushroom’s gifts with those within.”

Well, I’m convinced. The shamanic mushroom gatherer myth sounds way better than Christmas. I also wanna live in a Yurt pretty bad.

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