Sidecarsally News

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you are all in good spirits and excited to see your estranged families again. Let us not forget the true meaning of this holiday - getting gifts. It’s all about expecting that PS3 and then hating your parents when they get you a Wii.

I’ve been doing a little research on the origin of Santa Claus and I came across a rather interesting theory. While there are countless different versions of Santa’s story, we can all agree that he’s a jolly fat shit in a red and white coat. And he likes to trespass into your home on Christmas Eve and leave gifts under the tree. Unless you’re Jewish.

All of us know that Santa isn’t a real person, but how did his iconic face and unique legend come to be accepted by millions of people throughout Western culture? Could it all possibly be drug-related?

I’m going to summarize an article written by Dana Larson in a 2003 issue of Cannabis Culture magazine.

“Although most people see Christmas as a Christian holiday, most of the symbols and icons we associate with Christmas celebrations are actually derived from the shamanistic traditions of the tribal peoples of pre-Christian Northern Europe.”

Basically, tribes of Santa-like people lived in the frozen North before Jesus was born. They also liked to trip-out on mushrooms.

“The sacred mushroom of these people was the red and white amanita muscaria mushroom…they contain potent hallucinogenic compounds. The amanita muscaria mushrooms grow only under certain types of trees, mostly firs and evergreens.

Most of the major elements of the modern Christmas celebration, such as Santa Claus, Christmas trees, magical reindeer and the giving of gifts, are originally based upon the traditions surrounding the harvest and consumption of these most sacred mushrooms.

Reindeer were the sacred animals of these semi-nomadic people, as the reindeer provided food, shelter, clothing and other necessities. Reindeer are also fond of eating the amanita mushrooms; they will seek them out, then prance about while under their influence. Often the urine of tripped-out reindeer would be consumed for its psychedelic effects.

The effects of the amanita mushroom usually include sensations of size distortion and flying. The feeling of flying could account for the legends of flying reindeer.”

Imagine a field full of fucked-up reindeer, tripping out on shrooms - running around and laughing like idiots. The tribes would probably watch the reindeer dancing around, and then get hungry and kill one. Then, they would remove the reindeer’s bladder and drink the piss. Minutes later, they were frolicking in the snow.

Still not convinced that all this could be true?

“One of the side effects of eating amanita mushrooms is that the skin and facial features take on a flushed, ruddy glow. This is why Santa is always shown with glowing red cheeks and nose. Even Santa’s jolly ‘Ho, ho, ho!’ is the euphoric laugh of one who has indulged in the magic fungus.

Santa also dresses like a mushroom gatherer. When it was time to go out and harvest the magical mushrooms, the ancient shamans would dress much like Santa, wearing red and white fur-trimmed coats and long black boots.

These peoples lived in dwellings called ‘yurts.’ The yurt’s central smokehole is often also used as an entrance. After gathering the mushrooms from under the sacred trees where they appeared, the shamans would fill their sacks and return home. Climbing down the chimney-entrances, they would share out the mushroom’s gifts with those within.”

Well, I’m convinced. The shamanic mushroom gatherer myth sounds way better than Christmas. I also wanna live in a Yurt pretty bad.

Back in March, Elliot Spitzer stepped down as New York’s governor after being caught with a prostitute. A really, really hot prostitute.

If doin’ her is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

After Spitzer resigned, David Paterson took over as governor. With New York undergoing a financial crisis, Paterson needed to come up with a plan to generate some money for the state. The best way to do this is to raise taxes or implement a new tax.

People will tolerate a tax hike long before they accept a new tax. Instead of increasing one of the nine billion different state taxes, Paterson proposed a new obesity tax on non-nutritional sodas like Pepsi and Sprite. Diet sodas would not be taxed.

Basically, if you want to enjoy a sugary carbonated drink, you’d have to pay an additional guilt tax for being unhealthy. New York citizens are showing a strong disapproval for the new tax proposal, which isn’t surprising, considering that 90% of them are addicted to Starbucks.

True New Yorkers bring their iPods and Starbucks everywhere.

First of all, how much more nutritional is a Diet Coke compared to a regular Coke? It’s true that non-diet soda can cause you to gain weight, but it’s ridiculous to force an obesity tax on a beverage. Where’s the double cheeseburger, pizza, and ice cream taxes?

The only people in New York who shouldn’t be angry about the obesity tax proposal are diabetics because they’re supposed to drink diet sodas anyway. Oh, and supermodels too. But if Paterson proposes an anorexia tax, there’s gonna be some trouble.

Since David Paterson is the only legally blind Governor in U.S. history, I propose that we implement a “lazy eye” tax. How does it feel now, David? Don’t fuck with our sodas.

“Look into the camera, David. Oh, you are? Sorry lol.”

Unless it’s pillow fighting or nude midget wrestling, I’m not really into sports. I just don’t see the point in wasting three hours watching people toss a ball around, or drive a car in laps. I’d rather watch someone get injured in the highlights.

Now that you all know my contempt for sports, I bring you this next story… about sports.

On Sunday, the New York Jets lost a game to the Seattle Seahawks. After the game, the Jets were walking off the snowy field in Seattle, when opposing fans began pelting them with snowballs.

Shaun Ellis stooped down and grabbed a huge chunk of snow, and then tossed it into the stands - visibly hitting a few people. It sounds bad, but it’s actually pretty hilarious.

Fast-forward to 0:30 in the video to see Ellis toss the iceberg.

Later, Ellis commented on the incident and said he was just playing around and having fun. After watching the video, I think it’s safe to believe that there was no malicious intent.

The NFL didn’t think it was funny though. They fined Ellis $10,000 for inappropriate behavior. Humor - one of the only redeeming values of football - is not tolerated by the NFL.

I don’t think you guys realize how much money that is. If you put $10,000 in a fish tank, it would almost fill up the entire thing, look:

Worst joke ever, I know. What do you expect from a sports story?

Are you a cigarette smoker? Shamefully, I am. I’d like to quit sometime soon, but this article isn’t about quitting; It’s about lawsuits.

I always thought a “light” cigarette was a mild-tasting cigarette. One can extract this idea after smoking an ultra-light cigarette and realizing that you just paid six dollars to smoke a tasteless piece of shit.

Three cigarette smokers from Maine thought the word “Light” on their cigarette packs meant “less-cancerous,” or possibly even “good for you.” So after 15 years of smoking, and then realizing that light cigarettes are still bad for you, they decided to sue Philip Morris USA for deceiving them.

These people wanted to sue a cigarette firm because they felt tricked by the fact that light cigarettes are not safer to smoke. SRSLY?

At first, the courts were all like, “u can’t sue Philip Morris USA for that lol.” But then they changed their minds and were all like, “o maybe u can. sure go ahead lol.”

Last week, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in a 5-4 decision that cigarette firms can now be sued for misleading smokers about light cigarettes. That’s like me suing the last person I banged because I was misled into thinking it was a woman. Once I found out, I just quietly accepted my losses (dignity and $32) and went on with my day.

“A light cigarette is not a safer cigarette.” Regardless if that label is on the pack or not, you’re an idiot if you complain about it.

Smoking is bad for your health. EVERYONE knows that. If you were trying to prolong your demise by smoking lights, that’s fine. But don’t sue the company that provides your habit just because you thought you were cheating death. Get over it.

This is Jim Bob and his wife, Michelle. They are the Duggar family from Arkansas.

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar.

Don’t let their wholesome American looks fool you. This family has a serious reproduction problem. Yesterday, Michelle Duggar gave birth to their 18th child.

Just gave birth and she’s already bitchin’ at her kids.

Have the Duggars been investigated for owning a sweatshop yet? Because I don’t think it’s possible to support eighteen kids unless you put them to work straight out of the womb.

Speaking of wombs, Jordyn-Grace Makiya (the newest baby) was delivered via C-section - it’s the only option after a woman delivers so many babies that her vagina just simply gives up.

For some reason, I’m reminded of my favorite motivational poster…

The Duggars have averaged a new child every 18 months since their first child, and they don’t plan on quitting until God decides they’ve had enough. Are you scared yet? It gets worse.

They gave all their children first names that start with the letter J. There’s Joshua, John-David, Jana, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jeremiah, Jedidiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer and Jordyn.

Yes, they named one of their kids Jinger. How do you even pronounce that? Phonetically, it would be pronounced like “finger,” but with a J instead of an F. I made a diagram, explaining.

I hope you don’t think this is cute. It should be illegal. Jim Bob Duggar is doing a great job at securing his bloodline, but this is ridiculous.

The Duggars have a family website that blatantly unveils their diabolical plan to populate the entire state of Arkansas with an incestuous army of cult-like religious minions.

Since Jim Bob and Michelle haven’t created enough life yet, their oldest son Josh plans to help carry on the tradition. He recently married Anna, and plans on having tons of babies with her too.

Anna says, “I’m really looking forward to my vagina being a clown car.”

I haven’t said many nice things about George Bush in the past. His presidency is nearly over though, so I can go back to liking him as a person. If you take away all of his failures as President, he’s actually a pretty hilarious guy.

Most of you probably heard about the “shoe throwing” incident on Sunday. An Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at Bush as he began his farewell speech to Iraq.

I didn’t report on this because I didn’t see the video until today. And it’s seriously awesome. For a 62-year-old man, he has some impressive reflexes.

Shoe throwing is a gesture of great disrespect in Iraq. It’s basically the U.S. equivalent of wiping your ass on someone’s face and calling them a dick.

The journalist is now facing up to two years for insulting the leader of another country. He reportedly wrote a letter, asking for a pardon, but Bush is probably wearing his shoes around the White House right now, laughing.

I just hope that I can still move that fast when I’m 62-years-old.

Please ask before stealing any of my images. I know they’re awesome.

I’ve managed to make it another year without pissing off or alienating everyone in my life. Those of you that I did end friendships with - if you’re reading this - I’m sorry. And you have been replaced by someone else who is better.

That wasn’t meant for anyone in particular, so don’t worry. I love most of you.

A few people have asked me what I want for Christmas. The answer is “money.” Aside from being desperately broke, the other reason is because all the gifts that I really want cannot be bought. Because they don’t exist. Because they are magic.

So if you really must know what I want for Christmas, I’ll tell you, but good luck finding these things:

1. A ghost. I’m not afraid of ghosts. It would be amazing to have one as a pet. Not an animal ghost, but a human one. If I was ever feeling angry, I could curse at the ghost and call him names like… asshole. There aren’t any good derogatory names for ghosts.

But still, I want someone to be cruel to when I’m angry. I could throw things at him, but not have to worry about hurting him. Also, my ghost wouldn’t be able to attack me back because I would have special medallion that would make me his master.

2. Pocket lesbians. Real women, 3 inches tall, sexy, and lesbian. I would make a little bed out the sock that my hamster chewed up, and they could do tiny little dirty things on it, while I watched (with a magnifying glass).

After that, I would make them fight to the death with safety pins.

It’s good to learn about bisexuality at a young age.

Also, I’d like a unicorn, a chupacabra, and talking dog with three legs.

This next post is for my homies.

For serious internet users, a good web browser is the lumberjack’s equivalent of Big Gus, the world’s largest chainsaw.

If you’re smart, then you’re probably not using Internet Explorer to surf the web. Not when there are so many other choices to choose from: Firefox, Opera, Safari, Blackbird, and more.

“WTF is Blackbird?”

Blackbird is the first browser ever customized for African Americans. Yes, that’s right. It’s essentially Firefox, with a black color scheme (coincidence?) and pre-installed links to African American websites and news feeds.

Blackbird - The FUBU of Web Browsers

I needed an experience in African American culture, so I downloaded Blackbird. I’ve been using it for a day now and I can seriously say that I know a lot more about black people.

I particularly liked the “Black Search” feature. You could type in any word and be get something black back. I Black Searched the word “Antarctica,” and found news about the only black man that’s ever been to Antarctica. I wanted to call it Ghetto Google, but that’s insensitive.

It wasn’t all fun and games though. By the end of the day, I had lost touch with the rest of the world. I knew what was going on in the African American community, but nothing else.

I knew that Tyler Perry was recently found not guilty of copyright infringement for “Diary of a Mad Black Woman.” But I didn’t know that Disney was launching a free TV channel in Russia - I love the Disney Channel. Imagine how sweet it would be in RUSSIAN.

OMG I’m moving to Russia.

I ended up switching back to Firefox because I couldn’t stand reading articles about black business and gospel. I hope that doesn’t make me a racist.

I have covered some seriously disturbing stories in the year and a half that I’ve been covering the news. Tragic accidents, rapes, and horrifying sexual mishaps can’t compare to the following story that you’re about to read.

A recent string of murders has ended in the Ukraine.

Police finally captured three 19-year-old boys who brutally tortured and killed twenty-one people in one month.

The boys, known as Dnepropetrovsk Maniacs, would beat their victims to death with hammers and then attend the funerals of their victims. Videos of every murder were taken, as well as over 300 photographs - some of them showing the teens upturning their middle fingers at the graves of the people they killed.

I’ve seen some pretty disgusting shit on the web before, but I saw one of the Dnepropetrovsk murder videos today and it was easily the worst. Most of you will not look for the video, but I think it’s important for everyone to know why I lost a little more faith for humanity today.

***The following is a graphic description of the murder video***

The video only shows two of the boys because one of them previously left the murderous trio. It starts with a man laying on the ground in a forest. He looks beat up and nearly unconscious.

All of a sudden, one of the kids grabs an object and bludgeons the man’s face several times until it becomes a bloody, unrecognizable mess.

Somehow, the victim still breaths and opens his mouth - well, I think it’s his mouth. One of the boys takes a screwdriver and stabs the man’s stomach repeatedly for over a minute, twisting the screwdriver around as he pierces through the tissue.

At this point, I was certain the man was dead, but no. His arms are moving around and his mouth is opening. How is this possible?

They pause to watch blood squirt out of the victim’s head in fountains, each time he breaths.

The cameraman takes his turn now. He begins stabbing the victim in the eyes with a screwdriver. Just like the other boy, he twists the screwdriver around and swirls the eyeball liquid around in the man’s empty sockets.

When the man still had not died after having his face smashed in, his eyes poked out, and his guts stabbed, the boys finished him off by smashing his skull in with a hammer.

Now that I think about it, the video kind of reminded me of that movie Three Ninjas, except more violent and the kids were the bad guys.

I found a screen capture from a Tony Hawk interview, and couldn’t help but think that Mr. Hawk looked weirder than usual in the image.

He looked emaciated and strung out on some crazy shit that I’ve never done before.

It appeared as though he let a homeless alcoholic cut his hair. I was reminded of Ben Stiller as “Simple Jack.”

But what struck me the most was his pink t-shirt. I googled pictures of skateboarders to see if any other male boarders wore pink. Seriously, I googled “male skateboarders pink” and it returned a picture of Lance Bass and some gay porno.

I think all the years of extreme awesomeness has taken its toll on old Tony. I used to picture him as an insane skateboarder that I used to play in a video game on Playstation 1. Now, in that pink t-shirt, he just looks like the bastard lovechild of Martin Short and Elton John.