Sidecarsally News

Guns have been receiving a lot of attention in the news lately. I can’t open a news page without reading a headline with the word “gun” in it.

Today was actually a good day for gun crimes in the news. The only major headline I noticed was a self inflicted gunshot. Idiots around the world accidentally shoot themselves every day, but this next story is unique.

54-year-old Greg Schwarber is Middletown, Ohio’s police chief. On Friday, Greg accidentally shot himself in the thigh after giving his daughter a gun safety lesson. That’s a normal daddy-daughter activity, right?

Greg had finished the lesson with his daughter, and was cleaning the gun when it fired into his leg. He had forgot the gun was still loaded. Five minutes ago, he was teaching another person how to handle a gun.

That’s like a lumberjack being crushed by a falling tree after teaching his son how to cut it down.

Oddly enough, the hospital Greg was taken to had no record of him being treated or admitted. Hmmm… I’m sure the Middletown Police Department will make a comment like, “This was a freak accident and we’re just happy that everyone is OK.”

I am not satisfied by this. Greg Schwarber should not be allowed to own a gun or even look at a gun ever again.

I have owned and handled several guns in my life. The golden rule to avoid shooting yourself or others is to always assume the gun is loaded. Even if you’re positive that it’s unloaded, don’t point it at yourself, idiot. And for Christ’s sake, don’t pull the trigger on it.

This is why I hate Ohio.

Back in March, I wrote about a gigantic chunk of ice that broke off from Wilkins Ice Shelf in Antarctica. Scientists were scared about how fast the shelf was losing ice. Now, those very same scientists are probably shitting their pants because new satellite images show Wilkins being torn apart like an unwanted subpoena.

Q: “But how does this affect me?”
A: I have a better question. Why are you so damn selfish? If I were to tell you that 500 babies were being strangled in your neighbor’s basement, would you not call the police because it didn’t affect you?

Here are the satellite images of Wilkins Ice Shelf back in March:

That’s 160-square-miles of ice breaking off the shelf. Terrifying, huh?

But seriously, this next image was taken on November 26th, and now 770-square-miles of ice has broken free.

As you read this, Antarctic wildlife is in peril. I zoomed in on a massive heard of penguins, desperately fleeing from the thundering rifts forming under their feet. Even a majestic sea lion can be seen, catching his breath.

Heartbreaking, isn’t it?

Q: “Damn, I feel like a jackass for contributing to Global Warming and causing this awful catastrophe. What can I do today to help?”
A: Nothing. My advice to you is to educate today’s children to be geniuses, so they can figure out a way to save us when the apocalypse comes. Hopefully we’ll have little senior living centers on the moon by then. However, if you really want to help, start by recycling and using those fancy little fluorescent light bulbs that save energy.

Still don’t feel like you’ve done enough to help? You’re probably right, you haven’t. Here is a list of environmentally-friendly tips. Some of them may be a little “extreme,” but how far would you go to save Mother Earth?

1) Walk everywhere instead of driving.
2) Stop heating your house in the winter.
3) Stop cooling your house in the summer.
4) Plant trees and plants all over the damn place.
5) Don’t breathe anymore - your body exhales CO2, which is a greenhouse gas.
6) Kill every cow in the world - cows expel methane from their anuses, which is worse than CO2.

As if Wal-Mart workers being trampled to death isn’t bad enough, I was just informed of two more deaths on Black Friday.

Two men fatally shot each other inside of a Toys “R” Us store in California around 11:30AM yesterday. Both men were standing near the check-out with their women, when a catfight erupted between the gals. Since being macho means protecting your bitch, both men pulled guns and shot each other. Picture one of those old Western movies, but inside a Toys “R” Us store.

I’d like to make a comment about the fact that women started this whole thing. But before you call me sexist, think about this: The men escalated the situation and ended up traumatizing a crowd of parents and children.

So, if women can drive men to do such insane things as firing guns in a toy store, just to show prove who’s got a bigger dick, doesn’t that mean women actually have ultimate control over men?

This story is further evidence that the only person who should be allowed to own a gun is me.

Black Friday in America is a consumer phenomenon that occurs the Friday after Thanksgiving. Millions of people wake up at unholy hours to go shopping for special deals that occur only on Black Friday. Every year, there are stories of shoppers fighting and trampling when stores open their doors.

I have participated with the masses on this infamous day many times, and it always reminds me of that scene in The Lion King, where Mufasa dies in a stampede.

Damn you, Scar!

Friday morning, a Long Island, New York Wal-Mart opened its doors to a crowd of zombie shoppers. These shoppers would stop at nothing to get great deals. You could almost hear them chanting, “Braaaaaiiinnns! Braaaainsss!”

This type of behavior is expected when you consider what your typical Wal-Mart shopper looks like.

Jesus lady, I hope you’re shopping for a bra.

An unfortunate 34-year-old Wal-Mart employee had never dealt with Black Friday shoppers before. They broke through the door as it opened and trampled him to death. It’s a terrible thing this man wasn’t prepared for the wave of destruction that was heading his way. Even the infamous “Wal-Mart Greeters” were tucked away in safety.

The man was rushed to the hospital, but declared dead right there. If you’re wondering why I haven’t said his name, it’s because his name was Jdimytai Damour, and I didn’t want you caught up for 20 minutes, trying to pronounce it.

Statistics show that you aren’t very likely to be killed in a stampede, but if you do, it hurts really bad. The following video shows footage of a classic Black Friday stampede.

Are you scared of creepy, crawly things? Oh man, I hate spiders. I also hate moths. They’re the worst. Hideous, alien-looking bugs. Admit it. Nobody likes moths.

If this gigantic moth flew away, this picture would be illegal.

I just found out yesterday that a new species of moth has been discovered in Finland. It’s a good thing I never had any reason or desire to go there because now I really don’t any reason to. Even worse, these new moths feed on human blood - not strictly - but they’ve got no problem feasting on your precious cells when you’re asleep.

Some insane man is letting this happen to himself.

I really do think we have enough animals that feed off blood. Vampire bats and mosquitoes weren’t sitting around, drinking beers and thinking, “You know, we need another friend.”

This better not be a sign of evolution for more animals to come. The only thing more horrifying than a grizzly bear attack is a vampire grizzly bear attack.